My 90 Day Lens Journey
Approximately 90 days ago I began a journey with my camera. I was hoping it would be a healing journey because my grief over losing Mozi was overwhelming. Most days I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to find my way back into the light and I knew my camera could help me. I just had to find a reason to pick it up. Since my motivation seemed to have faded, I created a 90 day photography challenge for myself. I included all of my lenses in my camera bag so, in the end, I’d have a well balanced portfolio. I purposely left out dogs. To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t handle being with dogs.
You see, after Mozi died, I fell into a pit of depression, but I was still working as a dog walker. I’ve lost dogs in the past, and being with other people’s dogs was super helpful. But, this time, it was different. About 8 weeks after we lost Mozi, I hurt my knee while walking a client’s dog and in that very moment I heard myself say “I am done.” I texted my husband who said, “Good. Go home. I’ll see you this afternoon”. Obviously he did not understand what I was trying to say. I simply texted back “no, no. I am done with dogs.” And I meant it. At that very moment, my job was done and I knew it. I closed my business the following week and haven’t looked back.
Later, as I spoke to Mozi’s vet about the intense grief and the feeling of being broken, she said “Holly, you have done more in your career to help dogs than 99% of the people on this planet. Your job is done. Let someone else pick up the torch.” I was filled with both relief and grief. How could my job be done?
Here it is, almost Christmas and I still miss my dog to the very depth of my being. Yes, I still feel broken. No, I’m not ready to go back to working with dogs, but I am able to greet dogs if I’m out on a walk. Progress, I guess.
Anyway… I started my 90 Day Lens Journey with the simple goal of working with my camera every day for 90 days. The idea came from AA. I am familiar with AA and Al-Anon and the pillars of the program. When a person begins their journey to sobriety in AA, they must commit to 90 meetings in 90 days. It seemed like a good, solid foundation to begin my journey as well. (Btw, I am not the alcoholic in this story. It was one of my parents and it’s their story to tell, not mine.)
My entire 90 day journey was documented on Instagram for a couple of reasons:
to keep me accountable - believe me, I felt the pressure to make sure I posted every day!
to share my journey - I don’t have many followers and through this process only 1 or 2 of them would comment on my posts, but I could tell they were reaching other people. I have no idea how far this rippled.
this kind of hurts me to admit, but I wanted to cleanse my Instagram of dogs. It was just too difficult for me to look at the images of other people’s dogs that I had created knowing I would never have the chance to do that with Mozi ever again. Listen, my brain did not handle any of this very well at all. Looking at those images filled me with so much grief and anguish.
a 90 day commitment felt do-able. I didn’t feel overwhelmed at the beginning. I gave myself a lot of latitude and didn’t create any hard and fast rules for myself. If things got to heavy I would take the day off.
If you don’t want to hop on over Instagram to go through 90 posts, I made a YouTube video of my first 45 days. The thing about choosing to watch this over scrolling through my Instagram posts is that you wont be able to read what was going on at a specific moment in time.
If you decide to do neither, that’s fine too. I didn’t create this challenge to impress anyone. I created it to try and work through the intense grief I was feeling (and am still feeling. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever be the same again.)
I made it through the first 45 days, but it was challenging and most of the images are just…well, bad. But, I posted them anyway. I figured no one was really paying attention so it was safe to post my pain.
The next 45 days was even more difficult. I thought it would get easier, but it didn’t. I began writing Mozi letters (at the suggestion of her veterinarian). I took walks without her and cried the whole way. (as a matter of fact, I took a walk without her this morning and cried the whole way and it’s been 6 months since we lost her.)
I continued to post on Instagram because it was my “job”. I didn’t care if anyone saw the posts or even “liked” them. I just had to keep moving forward. And, I discovered something….moving forward does NOT mean moving on. It just means, I’m putting one foot in front of the other for my own well being. I feel like anyone who is experiencing grief needs to know this.
The last 45 days were tough. I began to experience some neck and shoulder pain, to the point that I went to see the orthopedic doctor who performed surgery on my neck two years prior. A round of steroids and six weeks of physical therapy later, and I’m still in pain.
I had to put my camera down.
That was as devastating to me as losing Mozi.
But, I didn’t give up. I used the camera in my phone for the last six days because I HAD to finish!
Now that this journey has come to an end, I have a small sense of purpose and started a Post Card Club. The reason behind it is simple: I have to get out with my camera and shoot. Knowing that there some people out there waiting for their post card every month keeps me motivated. It’s only $5/month and my members can opt out at any time. I don’t know if they understand how much they keep me going. I’ve got little day trips planned just because of them!
I’m also selling some of my prints. This also helps me stay out of the darkness. Seriously, the darkness is always right behind me, so I have to keep moving forward.
Creating and selling artwork that has nothing to do with dogs is scary! I don’t know if I know how to do it, but I’m going to try.
Just one of the prints that are available.
Oh, did I tell you we got a kitten?
Tony wanted a traveling companion and I was no where near being ready for a dog, so I said “we can go LOOK at kittens.” We went to PetSmart near our home because they have adoptable pets from NOAH. (When I was a producer for The Limelight Pet Project, Noah was one of my favorite places to visit.)
One ordinary Saturday morning, Tony and I walked into PetSmart and asked to visit the kittens. Since Yukon was a senior cat, we didn’t want to get an older cat with established habits that might throw a monkey wrench into everything. You know how that goes. Anyway, we were escorted into the kitten room and we looked into all of the cages. My heart was in tatters and I wasn’t sure what the heck we were doing, but one little sprite of a kitten did.
She hopped out of her cage, sauntered right up to Tony, climbed in his lap and stuck her face in his face. That was it. He was so done!
I’ve been fortunate enough to witness this magic happen a few times in my life, but I have never seen it happen to my husband (except the day we met, but that’s a totally different story!)
We left PetSmart with a kitten. We named her Bumble (because Yukon is Yukon Cornelius).
Bumble’s Holiday Photo
So, now we have an adventure cat (who has her own Instagram account, btw) We take her camping and hiking and on errands. We have found we are allowed to take her into places we couldn’t get into prior because dogs weren’t allowed….but a cat in a back pack is more than welcome! Who knew?
Mozi’s vet is also Bumble’s vet and it was heartwarming to see her meet Bumble for the first time.
She gave us all the information we needed to make sure Bumble is a healthy adventure cat and even follows her on Instagram. So cute.
I am not sure where my photography journey is going to take me, other than the small trips I have planned for my post card club. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to working with dogs. I’m taking this one step at a time because looking at the big picture without Mozi is just too hard.
I miss my dog.
I’m sure you understand.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Holly